it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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