Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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