You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
