Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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