They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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