my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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