Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
