i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
