She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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