I faked an abortion last night.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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