I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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