Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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