I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
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The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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