I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
