I cannot find my penis.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The Olympian is in my bed
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
