if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
