He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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