from now on my penis is your penis
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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