problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
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i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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