i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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