Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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