I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There's always time for handjobs
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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