I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
