I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
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I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night