everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
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Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
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He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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