I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
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We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?