On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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