You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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