pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
