If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
