Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
