do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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