Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
