Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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