I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
