***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
