11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
