At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
