I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
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He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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