I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
