Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
