Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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