I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
my poor anus
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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