You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
