I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
