Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
