my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
