i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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