im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
