Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
