she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
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You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
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Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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