it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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