She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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