In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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