Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
