I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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